ready.

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This space has been so elusive for me over the past year. I’ve wanted to write. I’ve thought about writing. I’ve actually started drafts upon drafts that now sit half-finished, never published. 

I think it all began in the spring of last year when I was plagued with constant fatigue and some other strange symptoms that I just couldn’t shake. Turns out, it was most likely Lyme disease (all clear now, thankfully), but even after feeling “better,” my creative motivation was zapped.

A few months later, I found myself in that notoriously challenging first trimester getting my tail kicked with nausea and fatigue…and just generally feeling less than stellar. 

Now I’m prepping for the fast-approaching arrival of baby number two, and the inescapable instinct to have everything in order tends to outweigh the time it takes me to complete a post. 

Add to those my inclination toward procrastination and perfectionism (which ironically go hand-in-hand if you’ve never noticed before), and I was basically paralyzed. I told myself I was just taking a breather, but that wasn’t entirely true.

In reality, this “break” has been breaking me.

The enemy used this time to start telling me some pretty awful lies: I have nothing to say. No one will read it, anyway. Who do I think I am, trying to help and encourage those around me when I feel so lacking right now? Don’t worry about finishing that draft – it’s no good anyway. Someone else has already said it, and better. Don’t kid yourself- it’s not like you’re a real writer. No one even notices how quiet you’ve been. ON AND ON AND ON. Seriously, I could keep going, but I won’t.

The thing is, whenever I  choose to listen to that contriving little voice (and accept it as truth), I effectively hand over my power and my gift that God has bestowed on me for His glory. In my silence, I let Satan have what is rightfully the Lord’s. (Yuck. So hard to admit.) Have you ever found yourself in that position? Giving up on what God has so clearly spoken into your life? When I see it from that perspective, I know I can’t keep quiet. He has let me know it’s time to reclaim this calling, this space, this writing life. I want to write with honesty, from the hard places, even when it’s easier to just keep quiet. Especially when it’s easier to keep quiet. I want to see the Lord use these pages to speak through me (and to me, amen.)

I am on the cusp of some major life changes happening, and I want (need?) to be able to come here and get grounded again. Tapping across the keyboard and filling up the page feels a little bit like home to me.

For my Christmas present (and birthday, and new baby – ha), my husband bought me a year’s access to an online writing “workshop” through Coffee + Crumbs (one of my very favorite spaces online, full of beautifully honest articles on motherhood), and it has already begun to re-spark my enthusiasm. Also, it doesn’t hurt when your friend gifts you some pretty new notebooks for Christmas…. 🙂 (Sometimes it takes other people to help you find your footing again).

So, here’s to a fresh new year of beginnings. Here’s to sweeping the cobwebs and opening the blinds, even if I’m doing so with squinted and tired eyes. I finally feel ready.

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{ What are you giving back to God in this new year? You may not want to share, and that’s okay, but if so, leave a comment below and I’ll add you to my prayer journal. 

He can make us brave. }

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “ready.

  1. Brie January 7, 2017 / 7:45 pm

    This morning, I woke up early and for the strangest reason, my mind drifted to your blog and one other- authors whose words I always found beautiful and inspiring who hadn’t posted for awhile. Then while browsing Bloglovin’ during my 2 year old’s nap time right now, this post popped up. I rarely comment on any blog, even when the words linger with me, but I feel like God’s nudging me to say: I hear you. You’re doing beautiful work. Writing and otherwise. May God be with us both as we wait to welcome our second babies (although mine’s not due until May), and may He guide your words- whether they be written on the page, the web, or simply your heart. May you be blessed in 2017!

    Like

    • Shanna January 8, 2017 / 3:31 am

      Oh Brie! I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to share those words with me. How sweet of the Lord to let our paths cross in that way today. I’m sure it seems small to you, but what you said was exactly what I needed to hear.

      Also — BIG congrats and blessings to you as you prepare for your second baby! Such an exciting time. 🙂

      Like

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